Thursday, March 27, 2008

Uranium- the New Blow

Geez. I had no idea you could snort that shit. Well, we know what I'll be doing this weekend...Was that chills that just went up my spine or is that just a side effect of me nose-vacuuming a Z of yellowcake off some shiny titties?

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Rumor of war

Hopefully this will finally conclude the far overdone saga of He who looks like Cartman (nod to Natureboy for the title of the saga). By all accounts this is a different Iraq, and I get the feeling that Monsignor Orangutan-teeth is gonna get whacked, fast, either by our boys or, most likely, by Iraqis themselves, as people are probably tired of his bullshit by now.
Was watching a program about American Marines based in the formerly deadly, and now pacified, areas of Iraq; peaceful areas where they complained that they couldn't "be Marines" in. They talked of their need to be in Afghanistan now that they've done their job in Iraq. Maybe now they'll get their wish and "get some" with He who looks like Cartman to alleviate the blue balls that have set in in peaceful Anbar.

Sean: Sweet. Kill that fat fucker and do it YESTERDAY!

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

One of the greatest additions to the internet since youtube

Trey and Matt have created a free website providing every episode of South Park in high quality streaming video, as well as clips from all of the episodes for emailing and embedding. Here's a good one from the episode "Smug Alert".

Sean: Sweet. Vid quality is actually good. I'm beginning to hate Youtube because of that. Full disclosure: I sometimes sniff my own farts when I'm feeling righteous too.

Tom: yeah I'm beginning to hate Youtube as well. Quality mostly sucks and they're now censoring--banning way too much stuff for PC and seemingly other political reasons. Thanks, Youtube, for making it your duty to protect us.

Grim Milestone of Grim Milestones

(AP 2008, Scipio). Five years and almost 20,000 Grim Milestones after the invasion of Iraq by George Bush, Halliburton and some destitute black teenagers from the inner city with no other opportunities, Americans are marking the Grim Anniversary by holding Grim Milestones of their own across the country.

The Associated Press caught up with a vibrant and colorful flock of Hippies, known properly as a "protest", marking the Grim Milestone in the bustling metropolis of Scipio, Utah.

Luna Moonpants, a local peace envisionist, when questioned about the purpose of the event replied, "What with all of the Grim Milestones going on, it only seemed appropriate to bring to the attention of all Amerikkkans this approaching Milestone of such Grimness. That and the weed. It's bomber wicked...Cough."

Much of the same somber tone of remembrance could be found among the other attendees. Stinky McGee, a local juggling stick artisan, echoed the poignant sentiment so prominently on display, stating, "Where's Phish? I heard that Phish was gonna be here! Wooo Hooo!", he said, pausing only to vomit a little between the "Woo" and the "Hoo".

Later today, in the apex of events here in Scipio, a mass "Head-Tilt of Compassion" will mark the exact moment of of the 20,000th Grim Milestone, signifying the sadness and sorrow of this group of solemn Americans, who prefer to be called by the more compassionate sounding "Earthicans".

With a Grimness bought only with years of Iree bong-rips, the Grim Milestone of Grim Milestones, now 20,000 and counting, marches on, lock-step with the horribly unsyncopated drum-circles and whirly dance stylings witnessed here today. Oh, and Abu Ghraib.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Happy... Er, Pagan-Christian Day!

Got this from Ace. Thought it was gooood:

Happy Easter!

Monday, March 17, 2008

Attacked by Plastic

Is anybody else absolutely mortified by the current trend of butchering perfectly good gargoyles? Don't get me wrong, we all want our ladies looking like a Shera doll (left), but the sheer amount of silicon is now officially threatening the computer industry. Forget about Peak Oil, I'm talking about Peak Silicon.
So imagine my dismay at the discovery of yet another set of pumped 3M uber-mammories that destroys one of my prized adolescent obsessions. None other than the Sacred Twins of Salvation themselves.
The link shows that this information is more than a few years old, proving that even those of us blessed with the Natural Spidey Sense can be fooled. The Mamocide must be stopped!
Tom: yeah bro, I know what you mean (don't click link if you are easily induced to nausea).

Obama is Toast

Just sayin. Unfortunately that doesn't bode well for the RethugliKKKans. I think Billary does much better against Mccain than the Second Coming of Hopyness.

Friday, March 14, 2008

Justice for Blues Singer

Famed blind homeless guy turned singer of the blues, Robert Bradley, to become next Governor of New York. When the "gubbna" just won't leave a poor man alone, or keep his damn hand out of a man's pocket, what is a man to do? Answer: tear that muthafucka down and become the gubbna. Congrats Mr. Bradley. I, for one, have been hoping for this day to come for you, your cat and dog, and your car in the garage.

Sean: Sweet. I love Robert Bradley. Saw him a couple of times at Ye Old Zephyr (Peace Be Upon Her). Seems like the perfect fit for a once-proud state that's singin' the blues.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Holy Crap. No friggin way.

Got this from Frank J.:

I, like IMAO, thought this was some fancy video edited parody, but apparently not. This guy really is delusional. Selling Universal Disarmament as a campaign promise in the middle of WW3? I always knew that lefties spent waaaaay too much time in the echo-chamber, but thought their political front runners at least smart enough to recognize a dog rectum when they see one. I guess not. This guy will get his chode punched in the general. This, along with this, points to why I am now officially pulling for Obama. His face will get ground into the dirt by a rightfully fearful electorate. Hillary isn't this stupid and has a good chance at Mccain. "YES WE CAN!*"

*- Turn into well-done graham crackers by 2012.

Sunday, March 09, 2008

McCain as Churchill figure

Could be the best political ad I've ever seen, actually. McCain to provide a Churchill-style leadership--pretty good idea.

Sean: Wow. Pretty powerful evocation of Churchill and Teddy. Incredibly emotional, and I mean that in a good way. I think McCain realizes that the other side will be tugging on the heart-strings pretty hard. Love the shot of him enjoying a rare cigarette while in purgatory

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

Sordid Utah: Cap'n Nemo

Part one in an ongoing series about unique persons of Utahdom, INFDL takes a look at Eugene "Captain Nemo" Woodland:

From the Deseret News:

The killer known as "Captain Nemo" is proclaiming his innocence in the 1990 murder of a Sandy contractor, insisting he was framed in a fantastic story of world record-setting jet boats, stolen money and a suspect in Spain.

Sweet. Just... Sweet. It continues:

In 1990, he shot and killed Bruce Larson at a Holladay building that Woodland had sought to turn into "Captain Nemo's Dinner Theater Atlantis & Fitness Center." Woodland had lost the building in a bankruptcy proceeding and Larson later bought it. Woodland confronted Larson and shot him five times in front of six people at the construction site. A construction worker was shot trying to tackle Woodland.

But to hear Woodland tell the story on Tuesday, he was framed. He blamed Larson's death on the man's business partner, whom he accused of stealing money and hiding out in Spain to thwart Woodland's attempts at proving his innocence.

Dude. "Captain Nemo's Dinner Theater Atlantis & Fitness Center."? Anybody for some nice squats between fried fish-chunks and slaw?

Questions have been raised about Captain Nemo's mental state. After being arrested, he was sent to the Utah State Hospital after his own defense attorneys raised questions about his competency. Woodland continues to insists he is not mentally ill and has refused any treatment.

"Medicine might be able to help you," parole board vice-chairman Clark Harms told him.
"No, I take vitamins and I don't drink coffee and carbonation. It gives you tumors and tumors turn cancerous," he replied. "So I'm a health nut. I really am." "Without appropriate mental health treatment, you are likely to stay here for the rest of your life," Harms told him. "The board is not going to release you until we think you're safe. The folks here at the prison ... are telling us you still represent a danger to yourself and others."

During his hearing Tuesday, Woodland tried to reason with Harms and blame questions of mental illness on a world record-setting jet boat ride. He once owned a fish-shaped, jet powered boat called the "Nautilus Missile." "When they started to listen to my jet boat and what I did, they thought I was crazy," he said. "My daughter sent letters to the board saying, 'You ought to keep dad in there, 'cause he'll get back in the boat to try to capture the record."'

You can't cook this shit up. Perhaps there is a conspiracy, though. "Nautilus Missile" was my nickname in high school. I love Utah.

Sordid Utah: An Ongoing Series

We Utahrds at INFDL would like to celebrate our states' storied and colorful history of crazies with an ongoing series called Sordid Utah. We don't know if there's something in the water, or if there's just too much water in our beer, but we've had some real fukkin pinwheel-hat doozies.

Tom: Although alot of people assume that most of the nutbags of america live in the state of my current residence, Florida, many are unawares of Utah's colorful tradition in this category...I look forward to contributing to this ongoing series.

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Confusion in Enviroland

Everybody who knows me has, at one time or another, called me by my alter ego Nature Boy. Perhaps it was the big fro (for a mostly white guy) or perhaps it's just the way I smell. In any case, I tend to get all riled up on issues concerning the environment. Having abandoned the old stale model of environmentalism, instead focusing on market-based solutions, I often take great enjoyment in torturing my former brothers-in-arms, still dutifully slaving away for the cause, living on soybeans and brown rice. For the most part, they are all very serious about what they do. They live meager lives on purpose, to show their dedication to Gaia and to prove a point that I happen to agree with; that we need to live as efficiently as possible, so that our species can go on living for another two or three thousand years.

But there's the rub. Many in the movement don't want humans to be around for the next few millennia. Instead, they want us to be sacrificed at the alter of a vengeful Mother Goddess Gaia and to really teach us a lesson. In this camp we find groups like Earth Liberation Front, who have taken on the self-appointed role of Gaia's KGB, jealously guarding her honor, even if it means kicking her ass twice instead of once. This article will clarify my point:

Federal authorities strongly suspect that the Earth Liberation Front is responsible for a series of fires that have destroyed four multi-million dollar show homes in a suburb north of Seattle, sources told ABC News. Officials said the fires are being investigated as acts of domestic terror, but they cautioned that it's too early in the investigation to make any solid determinations. The blazes began before dawn Monday and were still smoldering by late morning.

So, in an effort to cleans the Earth of its burden of human filth, ELF has decided to have these massive homes built not once, but twice. Have these chode-punchers ever heard of insurance? Make no mistake, those homes will be rebuilt, just like all of the other ones they've torched, effectively doubling the impact on the Sacred People's Mother Goddess Chumalungma. This is to say nothing of the toxic burnt-plastic runoff that will surely find its way into the trout stream that they are "protecting". Brilliant, but then logic usually doesn't hold serve against emotion, especially when those emotions are being harbored by socially stunted, semi-homeless free loaders with nothing of importance to say.

This brings me to my second point. Where the hell is the Sierra Club or Greenpeace in all of this? Why no decisive denuciation of such senseless harm to the Mother Womb-Queen of Dirt? Could it be that, deep in the black, hardened enviro-heart, they are secretly cheering them on? Is this too many questions in a row?