Friday, August 19, 2005

A Day in the Life

A study by a group called the Bay Area Center for Voting Research has dubbed Detroit the most liberal city on the fruited plane, and Provo (my hometown) the most conservative. What’s it like to live in the most conservative city in America? I’ll give you a day in the life:

5:30 AM -- I am awakened by the truck that drives around my neighborhood every morning with loudspeakers blaring: “EVERYONE MUST VAKE UP! DO YOU WANT THE JUDEN TO BEAT YOU? THEY’VE BEEN UP SINCE 4:00 VORKING LIKE THE DEVIOUS DOGS ZEY ARE! SCHNELL! SCHNELL!”

6:00 AM – After warming myself by a tire fire (we use tires as fuel so as to maximize pollution) I go outside to retrieve the morning paper. I enjoy this despite the fact that the police have clipped out all the Doonesbury cartoons and any photographs of women A) with larger than average breasts or, B) doing any work that is not domestic.

7:00 AM – When my wife delivers a cold plate of eggs and bacon to the breakfast table I assert my patriarchic prerogative and punch her in the face before making her sit on the plate until the food is warm again.

7:30 AM – I pop a Pat Boon CD into the car stereo and head off to work. When I bought my car it got 20 miles to the gallon. I have had the engine altered so that it now only gets two blocks to the gallon.

7:45 AM – I have arrived early so I swap racist jokes with my co-workers. Also, I randomly pinch the bottoms of any woman who comes within my purview. They giggle and accept my superiority as a male.

8:00 AM – I work at a law firm that drafts employee contracts for third world sweatshops. This morning I came up with a new “beatings clause” which allows employers to whack their employees with any sick that is no more than one foot in diameter.

12:00 NOON – I eat lunch with a number of other white men at an establishment called “The Blood Grill.” Each patron of the restaurant chooses a live animal from a large cage in the lobby. He then skewers it on a metal spike and grills it on a fire at his own table. I have a squirrel.

5:00 PM – Upon leaving the office for the day I spot a person whom I suspect might be gay. I say, “nice day out eh?” And he responds with: “yes it is.” The lisp in his voice confirms that he is indeed gay. I kick him in the nards.

6:00 PM – My wife delivers a steak to the table. It is undercooked. I throw it at her and tell her to sit on it until it is cooked. This takes too long so I allow her to put it back on the grill. After eating I am in a good mood so I allow her to gnaw the bone. After that I send her back into the cage with the children.

7:00 PM – My favorite part of the day! Patrol Time! I put on the uniform of the Concerned Citizens Brigade and look for anyone who may be Latino (illegal immigrant!) or Muslim (terrorist!). Tonight I am fortunate and administer three beatings. One guy I think is a Muslim turns out to just be a guy with a beard. I apologize and move on.

8:30 PM – I meet with the Federalist Society. The Society is a big secret and I can’t tell you what we talked about. But I can say this: within a year of John Roberts appointment to the Supreme Court the entire Bill of Rights (except for the bit about guns) will be abolished forever!

8:32 PM – Bedtime!

Sean says: Noah, you cretin! You should know by now that a bum itself cannot bring a steak to temperature!

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