Monday, June 13, 2005

Finally, a List we might all be able to agree on!

I've just been looking at Discovery Channel's list of 100 greatest americans. Where the F do I even start? Alright let's try to start with this fact: of the 100, about 45 are still living! (and about 10 of those are only recently deceased--among them Johnny Carson). So with that being said, I guess one could deduce with not too much difficulty most of the 45 living greatest americans of all time. Some of my favorites include: Ellen, Oprah, Martha, Madonna, Jacko, Favre, let's not forget Heff, Cruise, and one to never be forgotten in the hearts of his countrymen: DR. PHIL!!! Barack Obama made the list. But hasn't he been a senator for only, like, 4 weeks or something? James Madison? Who needs him! U.S. Grant? Yeah, what'd he ever do! At least Martha tells me how to arrange a bouquet and makes me feel real good inside. Now I'm disapointed that Delilah didn't make it, the one that plays the love songs on the radio where cheesedick husbands can embarrass themselves by calling in and affirming their love to their "other" on-air. But at least they got John Edwards on the list where he belongs. I mean, who else has a comparable talent of winning tens of millions of bucks suing doctors by welling up with tears to emotionally bond with the juries? Huh? Actually, I could honestly put Edwards on my own list of top 100 Greatest American Pieces of Shit. Now of course, a list like this would have to exclude all the REAL and TRUE pieces of shit in America, like murderers and abusers, and this woman. One exception to this rule will be that it's permissible to include The Juice. Yes he's a murderer, but not just any murderer (as opposed to the Billy Earl Randolph's and Rudy Ray Watson's) since he's also a public figure, so he counts. Plus, even without the murders he committed, he's still a total slimeball. Have you seen any of his interviews in the past 10 years? Though his idea of a "Juice" reality show version of Punk'd sounds a bit entertaining for the simple reason of absolute shock value: imagine that you've just been "punk'd", and itstead of Ashton Kuthcher coming out to reveal the gag, it's OJ, and you've just been "Juiced"! That's some real Twilight Zone shit! Anyway, back to the list. Anyone can participate, readers and INFDL contributors alike. So please, feel free to submit entries into the top 100 Greatest American Pieces of Shit of all-time. If this get's some good participation, I'll put 'em all together and make it neat, and maybe even tally up the votes. Here, I'll add another: the Supreme Court Chief Justice that oversaw the Dred Scott case. Now there's a real piece-o-shit!

Sean's first entry: Black Eyed Peas. Every one of them. Who do they think they are kidding? Let me guess, they just happened upon each other in a night club one day and everybody happend to be a different color of the world-wide rainbow? We all knew immediately that they were the new Menudo when they kicked out that stoopid anti-war song with Justin Timbercrack. Yes, I know the lady knows how to shake it, but that's no excuse for changing the name of "Let's Get Retarded in Here" to "Let's Get it Started in Here" so as not to offend any mongoloids.

Brigham's entry: Following on Sean's line of thought here, I would like to nominate another musician: Alanis Morissette. The timing is perfect on this one, not only is it the 10th anniversary of her piece of crap Jagged Little Pill (apologies to John McDonald, owner of the masterwork) but Alanis recently (as noted by Noah earlier) qualified herself for the list by becoming an American citizen (I need to get someone at Dep't of Homeland Security on the line about that). Maybe she knew that it would be much, much more difficult to make the 100 Biggest Pieces of Canadian Crap List so she went for a country where the competition is less stiff. In a recent interview, Ms. Morissette explained that "there's a timelessness about the songs from 'Jagged Little Pill.'" I think we all know that the only timeless nature of the album is exactly what qualifies her for Tom's list: the album is a piece of crap and always will be.

Tomzz third entry: this kind of pains me to do this, since I've long thought this guy was the complete shizzle. But Sean Penn has dissapointed me too much lately with his overt "worldwide victims of America" motifs. I was somewhat forgiving of his traveling to Iraq before the war as a "special correspondent" for the SF Chronicle to report on his state-sponsored tour where he was shown all the candy and rainbows and unicorns in Iraq, because that was his first offense. Then I saw his movie The Assassination of Richard Nixon, which was, honestly, a movie that really tried to show, on a very emotional level, how committing terrorist-style mass-murder can be seen as justified or, at the very least, "understood". Now he's in Iran, again as a "reporter", reporting on the Iranian elections, and I just CAN'T WAIT to hear how he calls those. I sincerely hope that one, two, or one hundred of the fiercely pro-American Iranian students see him on the streets and tell him to go fuck himself.
BQC adds: Two more reasons to vault Mr. Penn to the top of your list. First, this letter that he wrote to Trey Parker and Matt Stone in which Penn (kettle) accuses of Parker and Stone (collectively "black") of being "above it all." Penn then writes, "It's all well to joke about me or whomever you choose. Not so well, to encourage irresponsibility that will ultimately lead to the disembowelment, mutilation, exploitation, and death of innocent people throughout the world." What is going to lead to these horrific results? The reelection of George W. Bush of course. Does Penn think that he is actually the one keeping it real? Second, and a possibly premature justification, but in Penn's travels to Iran he had his video camera temporarily confiscated by Iranian authorities as he tried to videotape Iranian women demanding the right to vote. Do you have any doubt that Penn will liken his treatment in Iran to the treatment that honest people like himself face in the United States under the disembowling-loving Bush regime?

Noah Adds: James Buchanan, Aaron Burr, Benedict Arnold, Lyndon Johnson and Jimmy Carter. These people all did HUGE damage.

Sean's adjusted list: Noam Chomsky, who idolized the Khmer Rouge to the point that once everybody realized the kind of human slaughtering operation they were running, Chomsky was forced under a rock for a decade. May he return to said rock shortly. Also, that clown from Coldplay. Not only does he get to poke Gwyneth, but he's also a cheap knock-off of U2. He obviously idolizes Bono, perhaps coveting Bono's strange position as rock's representative to the UN. Let's not forget Kobe Bryant who, like a douchebag whoes cup overfloweth, just couldn't bring himself to admit that Shaq was the man who begat three rings. Last but certainly not least is the man who I consider the clowniest of the clowns, Bill Maher. 'nuff said.

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