Tuesday, April 19, 2005

"Bacon up that sausage boy!"

Today while driving to work I heard some astonishing news on the radio: moderate wine drinking probably has no health benefits. No health benefits! But we’ve been told for the last four or five years that it isn’t the apples that keep the doctor away, it’s the grape!

Then, when I got to work, I read this story on CNN online about how the FDA has chucked the old food pyramid and adopted a newer one that more accurately reflects how Americans should be eating. I was hoping that they simply reversed the old pyramid so that doughnuts would now form the best dietary base for a strapping young man like myself, but, alas, that was not the route they chose to travel.

And just a few days ago I read a story in the New York Times (sorry, Sean, I mean “The Old Gray Nutsack”) about how drinking lots of water when you exercise can cause your brain to inflate and kill you. Holy mackerel! I’d always been told that you should drink like a fish or you will shrivel up and die. Now it turns out that water is poison! Thank goodness that I neither exercise nor drink water.

What do we learn from all of this? HEALTH EXPERTS ARE ALWAYS WRONG!

I feel like Woody Allen’s character in the Sleeper who wakes up to find that not only does smoking not cause cancer, it cures it.

In light of all this health expert incompetence, I plan to double my sausage consumption, stop cramming broccoli down my unwilling gullet, and, who knows, I might just start smoking.

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