Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Postmortem Giggles

Austrian doctors, the AP tells us in a Drudge-linked story, have been using human corpses as crash test dummies. There has been something of an outcry at this revelation, but, personally, I think that as long as a person gives permission for their body to be used a certain way after death, particularly when that use may be of aid to the living, we should respect their decision.

With that said, let me just mention a few of the ways my mortal coil may be used after I have shuffled it off.

First of all, I really like Hunter S. Thompson’s plan to be cremated and shot out of a cannon. In fact, I would like to do it for myself with only one minor change: I want to be shot out of a cannon without being cremated first. Just cram me in with the ramrod and let ‘er rip over the Pacific.

Also, I think it would be fun to use my corpse for practical jokes. Some well-to-do jokester could purchases my lifeless tabernacle of clay and then use it to frighten the living crap out of his friends. Imagine sneaking my dead body into your buddy’s bed with a rat stuffed in my mouth and a bullet hole in my forehead. I could have a note in my stiff hand that says something like, “You’re next you rat! Love, the Mob.” You could hide in the closet and giggling while he faints in terror.

I could alternatively be used as an extra in a horror film, or I could star in a remake of “Weekend and Bernie’s.”

I could also be made into Soylent Green and get eaten on an episode of Fear Factor.

Because of my body’s natural greasiness, I would make a great industrial lubricant.

In short, I will not go gentle into that good night. I want my death to mean something!

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