Thursday, March 31, 2005

Dread Sovereign

In a sad, sad turn of events Prince Rainier of Monaco has become too ill to rule his country. CNN reports:

Prince Albert has taken over the regency of Monaco because his ailing father is unable to exercise his royal functions, the palace says.

He can no longer “exercise his royal functions”? Is that a fancy way to say that he is no longer able to crap in his gold-plated toilet? What other royal functions does the prince of Monaco have? All the dude does is sit back, count his money, and pray that his daughters don’t get knocked up by their bodyguards anymore.

The story continues:

A royal commission, the Council of the Crown, decided that it was difficult for Rainier to "exercise his high functions," the statement from the palace said.

"From now, the regency is assured by His Serene Highness Prince Albert," the statement said.

Isn’t “His Serene Highness Prince Albert” a bit too much title for a guy who’s in charge of a city that is less than two square miles in size and has a population of about 32,000? It’s like using the title “His Dread Sovereign Royal High Emperor Charlie Roberts” for the mayor of Tooele.

Why is this a news story? What impact has this guy ever had on the world? The headline to the story should read like this: “The Lucky Schlub who Married Grace Kelly is Really Sick,” because the fact that he married Grace Kelly is the only interesting thing about him.

To hell with all royalty! Off with their heads!

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