Friday, January 21, 2005

2004 Top Ten thingies

10. The year of the blog--now more than ever before there is serious critical scrutiny in media.
9. Team America, aka America, Fuck yeah!! Year's best, funniest, most insightful movie.
8. Boston Red Sox do the impossible--while majority of players wear huge lettuce.
7. Falluja, 11/04. U.S. Marines show usual lethal efficiency by killing barbarian enemy wholesale, delivering poetic justice to the Western-Shiite-Nepalese-Kurdish headhunters.
6. Bush wins re-election and we get back to business after the 20-something-generation crowd of blue-flame specials and baby boomers have their chance to speak.
5. Arafat--D.A.F. (dead as fuck). The sultan of fraud finally kicks the bucket and almost overnight we begin to hear overtures of peace. Geez, who coulda guessed that?
4. Americans implicitly show that they are not weary of fighting terror war by re-electing Bush, sending message to enemy that their own grand strategy--that of easily wearing down American public support to fight them because we're too squeamish about casualties--is dead wrong. I'd even go as far as to say W.A.F (wrong as fuck).
3. Salt Lake City gets their own major league soccer team, Real Salt Lake. You know, as in Real Madrid? Wtf? Oh yippyyy, I feel cum-plete! **I know, I know, I've used my yearly C-word, and so early in the year even. So I guess it's ciao for now, C-word, until we meet again in '06.
2. Blogger CBFTW, an american soldier in Iraq, starts blogging from the warzone and produces the most gritty, realistic, and hysterical prose about the war so far. His complete honesty and tendency to not hold anything back from his stories made it one helluva blucking fog.
1. Zell Miller challenges Chris Matthews to face him in a duel after Matthews' stinking piousness during that whole week finally hit somebody's breaking point, and that somebody totally went "dueling banjo" on his ass.

Update: Sean lists his own Top Ten Thingies (tm), but with a few bad ones:

10. The appearance of patchy back-hair. I go twenty-seven years with pretty much the same amount of fur on my back and I wake up one morning in my twenty-eighth year with all this natty dread. I don't mind a little hair-pie on the back, but does it really have to be patchy?
9.The Jazz theft of 'Los Boozer from the Cavs. That was a big internet-event for me.
8. The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Great flick with outrageous plot. I don't know, it just hit me hard, I guess. I didn't shake it for days.
7.Mos Defs' ghetto-rockin' New Danger. This guy is the best there is in hip-hop. Nobody I've heard has the abilities of this cat. Hard rock, crooning, blasting ghetto-beat shit. Mark it- he is the Miles of hip-hop.
6.Mark Hacking. This sick fuck has proven me right about my home state: pound-for-pound, Utah produces crazies at a rate rivaling their collective birth rate. From Gary Gilmore to Bundy to the Laferties to Singer/Swapp to Mark Hoffman, and on and on. Some crazy mutherfuckers, no?
5.I know this one is a big fat cliche by now, but Michael Moore. He sort of cleansed the colon of our nation, forcing the lower gaseous bowels of politics to purge themselves . After his film came out, you knew who the gullible ones in society were. You knew that from "Well, just look at the Carlyle Group and skull 'n bones...." that you could destroy this person with laser-guided precision.
4.Prince. The co-best show this year (see #3.) Listen, I like Prince and all but I seriously had no idea how this show would kick my ass. I mean, he had Maceo Fucking Parker on the sax and Fred Wesley on the 'Bone. He's also a vastly under-appreciated guitarist. He should be lauded for creating a lucrative online career as well.
3.Gang Starr. The other co-best show. These guys started all of it. Premier is the most emulated artist in any genre.
2.Home ownership. Bought a house with my lady and couldn't be happier... or poorer..
1.Americas bitch-slappinest moment in decades came when we grabbed our lefty brothers and sisters and shook them, shook them hard and good, and made them look into our eyes while we told them, "We want a man in office, yes even a cowboy man. And we want him to pound our enemies into powder and purge them of the lower gaseous bowels of the world."

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