Monday, November 07, 2005

Chirac's crisis management technique

Here's a very, very funny illustration of "the French way" of creating solutions, as regards to their current little problem. If you have trouble understanding the underlying message (there might be some of you, though I wouldn't expect any Infdl contributors to have much trouble with this one), then you need go no further than the opening line of the second comment in the comments section. That should explain the french situation that this picture captures just about right.
BTW, No Pasaran is a really good blog dealing exclusively with French topics from an American ex-pat point of view. Go there for all your French intifada news needs.

Friday, November 04, 2005

Triumph

I’d just like to point out that the Utah Jazz are first place in their division, their conference, and even in the entire NBA. Enjoy it. It won’t last long.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Protestors

Yesterday there was a protest in San Francisco. It wasn’t large enough to grab national media attention, but it was big enough to cause a pain in the city’s ass (insert your own homophobic San Francisco “pain in the ass” joke here).

Back when I lived in the beautiful city by the bay I had to endure a number of these protests. I remember the big one on the first day of the war when some idiot marchers near my school held up an enormous banner with a picture of Che Guevara looking romantically into the distance, as if he could see a heavenly burrito on the horizon and he had glorious dreams of eating it. The picture had a one word caption: “PEACE.” Che and Peace? Maybe they were being ironic. If Che stood for one thing it was WAR, and the Batista regime he fought against in Cuba was not nearly as bad as the Hussein regime Bush overthrew in Iraq (then again, it was also better than the Castro regime Che helped install).

I believe that a lot of the protestors don’t really want peace; they just want a different kind of violence.

Here’s further evidence of protestor stupidity from a story on yesterday’s protest:

The protesters also staged a "die-in" at Hyde and Market, in which they lay down on the street.

Mona Villa, a monitor for the march, said the 2-mile march was ending when about 15 protesters -- some of them high-school-age teens -- stayed behind for the "die-in." Other protesters had done the same thing periodically throughout the walk.


As they lay in the street, about 25 police officers in riot gear holding batons told the protesters that "anyone who didn't want to be arrested should get up and move to the sidewalk," said Villa.

About a third did, Villa said. Without warning, she said, the police circled the remaining protesters, charged in and grabbed them, forcing them to fall on one another.

“Without warning?” Somehow “anyone who (doesn’t) want to be arrested should get up and move to the sidewalk” doesn’t count as a warning? And why the hell should they get a warning anyway? Did the protestors give a warning when they threw a Molotov cocktail at the Chronicle building?

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Sometimes Justice isn’t Tasty

Saddam’s trial will start shortly and one woman has an interesting punishment in mind:

"We want to eat him alive," said Salimah Majeed al-Haidari, 60, who spent more than four years in detention, then waited 17 more to learn that her husband and two sons, hauled off by security officers, had been executed. "We wish they would cut him to pieces and hand them out to us and families like us."

If he is eaten remember to save the asshole for George Galloway. He can put it on a chain around his neck and keep on kissing it.

Sean says: Noah, that's gross.

The End

Well, I finally hammered out the last two chapters of Uncle Theo. I’ve posted them and I shall now wash my hands of the entire project.

Sunday, October 16, 2005

Today is a huge day.....

Today, we witnessed a huge moment in history. The referendum on the Iraqi constitution is, with out a doubt, one of the the most significant events that we have witnessed since the Berlin Wall came down. And rest assured that even if Hariet Meyers is a stiff, this is the thing that GWB will be remembered by.

I've never entertained delusions of G-Dub being some sort of Lincoln, who enacted domestic change so revolutionary. But the extended vision of the world that this administration has displayed is nothing short of revolutionary.

The Iraqi people just pulled of the first constitutional referendum in Arab history. They are shaping their future like so many of their fathers could not, their voices heard for the first time.

I went for a run to Ensign Peak today. As I arrived at the monument, there was an Iraqi flag planted on the Eastern side. I could not help but feel the significance of today.

Monday, October 10, 2005

Uncle Theo

I went ahead and wrote Chapter 8 of Uncle Theo. It's the worst chapter yet and you can read it here.

Cube Troubles

I have used this space to moan about my cubicle in the past. Tomorrow, however, I am to be moved to the eighth floor, and all of a sudden I see this cubicle’s many advantages.

The most important of these is the fact that my cubicle is on the second floor of the building, while the department I work for is on the eighth. This means that all of my coworkers and superiors have been safely stowed away six floors above me. (Saying “coworkers and superiors” is probably redundant because all of my coworkers are superior. My boss once sketched out our department’s organizational chart. It showed him on the top with nine lines pointing to the other attorneys below him, and then nine more lines going from those attorneys to me.)

Anyway, the beauty of this arrangement was that if I wanted to leave work at 4:50 (er, noon) on a Friday (er, Monday) I was pretty much free to do so. Also, I have complained that in my present cubicle the people who work on my floor can see me scratching my nuts and they can smell the rancid effluvium of my large intestine when I feel the need to release it. I have gotten over my scruples in my few months here however, and I now scratch and fart with abandon. I feel free to do this because I don’t actually work with any of the people around me. Things will be different on the eighth floor. No more TomAy-style scratching for me.

I have been promised that an office on the seventh floor will soon be mine. This carrot has been dangled before me for months, but now I think it is being dangled in earnest. The building coordinator has assured me that he has found someone beneath me on the corporate ladder (I had no idea such a creature existed) and he is going to cast him into the snow in order to install me in his place.

The promised “office” is really little more than a cubicle with pretensions, but it will still be a step up. It will have a door and its walls go almost all the way up to the ceiling. I will be able to have loud conversations about the MLB Playoffs (er, the size of my morning dump) without every ear within a quarter mile listening in. Also, the door will allow me to scratch away! And, because the promised office is on the seventh floor I will be able to enjoy the occasional long lunch (er, go home at 11:30 and come back to work at 9:00 the next day).

Tom addzz: ohhhh, it's soooo nice when one canst scratch thyself freely. Then when that freedom shall be taken away (via patriot act), one shall hum that Cinderella song "Don't know what you got (till it's gone)," whilst feeling sad. So as for my own ass, an ass which is never one to be outdone, I shall describe my typical workday teaching a lab to college freshmen and sophmores.

Tom: Ok, kids, did everybody read their manuals before they came to lab today? Because you know, I have to quiz you on this today like I told all of you last week.
Student: I thought you told us that you would give it to us next week.
Tom: I'm pretty sure I did not tell you that.
Student 2 (a girl that never does her own work) : Yeah, that's right, you did tell us that. I didn't even come prepared today because I thought the quiz was in another week.
All students: Yeah! Yeah!
Student 3 (an 18 or 19 year old kid known to his Greek brothers as "Captain Hard On", which name he not only proudly wears emblazoned on his official fraternity attire (required to be worn on campus every Wednesday), but also the name as which others address him, simply "hard on" for short): Well I studied, but that's just because I didn't know for sure what you meant last week. I mean, it was all confusing and shit. You know?
All students: Yeah, no fair! You have to give us until next week!
Tom (world's worst authority figure): Ok, I'm sorry if I might have maybe, possibly miscommunicated the quiz date. Although when somebody says "next week" it usually means "one week from now." And of course somebody could have asked me to clarify if there was ever any doubt, you know. But I maybe could have been more specific, possibly. Well ok, the quiz will be next week then.
Next example:
Student (a girl that has been trying to get me alone since week 1. Cute but way too young. Ntm officially off-limits) : Hi, uh, Tom, can I come to your office when you're not too busy to get some help with my homework and, uh, just to brush up a bit before my test?
Tom (suddenly facing good angel and bad angel on either shoulder): uh, uhhhhhh. Well, uh, you see, I'm not a TA for your physics course, just the lab instructor, you see.
Student: Well, would you be willing to tutor me in your spare time? That is if you're not too busy and would like to. Or, I guess, maybe what I meant is just someone you might know who could.
Tom: Oh yeah, I know plenty. Just go outside on the bulletin board and you'll see lots of people offering tutoring.
Student: uh, ok, thanks.
Tom: yeah, anytime! And good luck to you!

There are many other tales from my teaching experience to tell, but just too many for this humble space beneath another sweet post from Noay. But I will say that sometimes when I find myself helping a group of students who cannot communicate what they're doing without using cuss words, it's been known to happen sometimes that I get caught up in the moment and reciprocate the cussing while explaining something to them. This is what makes me the the "cool teacher" that gets glowing reviews from the students on the end-of-semester teacher evaluation sheets that they fill out. And to think of that poor foreign kid who gets KILLED on those same evaluation sheets simply because he cannot abide with dopey american kiddos, but who really, really prepares his labs with extra effort and tries to communicate the lesson/concepts to reach the students as best he can. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk.
Noah Adds: Damn kids these days. What the hell's wrong with the little bastards? When I was a TA I had a girl complain when I gave her a C on an essay exam. "I was gone on the day that the Professor lectured on the Opium War" she explained. But it was the easy kind of essay test where the professor gives you the option of answering any one of five questions. I so I asked her why she didn't answer one of the questions she had been in class for. Apparently, that test-taking strategy had not occured to her. Answer a question I know something about? Hmm, that's so crazy it just might work! Damn kids!
We need to reintroduce corporal punishment at the college level. TomAy, just wail a little sense into them. The future of America is on your stout shoulders!
Also, my cube is even worse than I thought. The printer is right behind the opening (you know you have a shitty situation when you have an "opening" and not a door) and everytime it is used I feel like the person using it is gazing at the back of my head and attempting to determine if my hair is thinner today than it was yesterday. (No! it is not!)
TommAy: Noay, the solution to your problem comes in two words: Copymachine guy! So, if you become the new copymachine guy (ala Rob Sneider, but more even more meddlesome and funny only to yourself), you will add a new dynamic to your workday, and not to mention to your meaning of life.

Friday, October 07, 2005

Totten has balls...

Big smooth balls (that's the word on the street, anyway)

My last three months in a paragraph or less...

Sorry, it's neither interesting or necessary to show on paper how I have managed to whittle away a solid entire summer with little to show. Also this post will not be a paragraph or less...

Boy have I missed out some nice juicy tidbits in blogger-land. Katrina, Rita, Cindy Sheehan, (insert any other intolerable bitch's name) have all come and gone. Some (Katrina) stick to the ribs for longer than others (Cindy), like a meal at Mom's house compared to a meal at Wild Oats. There was also the second attempted slaughter in London, the newest Bali bombing, that Rove and Plame bullshit, and countless other public outrages that have since fast evaporated.

Isn't it crazy how the Tsunami of December 26th, 2005 could very well have been the Tsunami of December 26th, 1983? When was the last major news piece on that disaster? In this crazy time, when nearly all information is at our fingertips nearly all the time, an interesting question comes to mind: is there currently an actual acceleration of world events or is there just more information available to us?

Of course crazy shit has happened recently, namely 9/11 (and the subsequent Islamofascist ass-kicking), the European meltdown and the Tsunami. We have every right to think that we are in a struggle for our very freedom, but how did our grandparents react when they got word of the Nazi slaughter camps? Did they sit down in a drum circle and ask themselves what they had done to make the Nazis hate the Jews? Or how did they react when Stalin's Gulags were exposed? Did they think it justifiable venting of frustrations with America's inequitable trade policies?

We are just now learning of the full extent of the Democides of Mao, the labor camps of Guevera and Castro, the bloody revolution of the Sandinistas and many of the other storied blood-lettings of the 20th century (by most accounts the most bloody century in human history). Why? Because we only recently have developed this crazy form of information transfer called the internet.

So here's something to think about. Today, with the spread of Democracy reaching new heights and the rejection of human slaughter becoming the norm, what if we can look back at the 20th century for what it quite possibly was; the apex of human barbarism. In short, what if what we now have isn't really all that bad? What if we are staring down the barrel of an unprecedented period of peace and justice thanks in no small part to the maverick actions of the Cowboy Nation and its friends?

Friday, September 30, 2005

True Things You Are Not Allowed to Say

A few days after the catastrophe of 9/11 Bill Maher made a comment to the effect that the terrorists who hijacked the planes were courageous and that American responses to terrorism in the past (such as launching cruise missiles into the Sudan) were cowardly. No reasonable person could possibly argue that this wasn’t true. At the time outraged Americans were insisting that the terrorists were cowards, but this charge made no sense. They gave their lives for their cause, what could be more courageous than that?

The worst evils in this world are those perpetrated by people who have a combination of virtues and evil. The Nazis are an example of this. They were smart, hardworking, efficient and enormously courageous. If they hadn’t had these virtues their evil would not have caused destruction on such a wide scale. So, let’s give the terrorists their due. They are evil, but they are also courageous (thank goodness they don’t have the other Nazi virtues).

But there are some things you just can’t say. The day after Maher made his remarks I found myself thinking “he’s right, but what the hell was he thinking when he said that!” I knew he would soon be out of a job (which was good because he is the least funny person on television).

Now Bill Bennett has said something that is also indisputably true. Here it is: “If you wanted to reduce crime, you could -- if that were your sole purpose -- you could abort every black baby in this country and your crime rate would go down. That would be an impossibly ridiculous and morally reprehensible thing to do, but your crime rate would go down.”

No honest person can argue that this is not true. It is a well known fact that black people commit a hugely disproportionate number of this country’s crimes. If all black babies were aborted the crime rate would plummet.

The economist Steven Levitt has argued that the dramatic reduction in crime which occurred in the 1990’s was largely the effect of Roe v. Wade. Many children who would have been raised in the sort of households that produce criminals were not raised at all. These children would have reached their prime criminal years in the 1990’s. But they had all been killed before that. This is the kind of discovery that neither liberals nor conservatives want to exploit. Liberals don’t want to want to talk about it because they would be calling their constituency criminal and conservatives don’t like it because it sounds like an argument in favor of abortion.

There are some things you simply cannot say, no matter how obviously true they are. Nancy Pelosi wants Bush to condemn Bennett’s remarks, but why should the President condemn every injudicious remark made by a conservative? Especially when it is clearly true?

Harry Reid says he hopes the Republicans “will be swift in condemning Mr. Bennett's comments as nothing short of callous and ignorant.” Bennett’s words may be callous, but it is Reid who is being willfully ignorant.

A person shouldn’t be condemned for telling the truth, no matter how ugly that truth is.

Tom sayz: do you mean to tell me that it's understandable to admit that Saddam Hussein, despite his cruel and vicious gangster past, is a ruggedly handsome man?

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Tender is the Loin

I’ve posted Chapter 4 of On the Bum. In this chapter Andy becomes the victim of a level five crotch chafe (those who have hiked Robber’s Roost are familiar with this ailment) and someone takes him up on the general offer of the homeless: “Will Work for Food.”

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

What it takes for me to return

Much has happened in the world since I last posted on INFDL that might have inspired me to write. There was a terrible tragedy in the gulf coast, there were Democrats who rallied behind the idea that the President needed to nominate a "moderate" to replace O'Connor and not a crazy like Roberts might be, but then when Roberts' nomination was switched to replace Rehnquist, clearly a more conservative justice, the concern is no longer the balance of the court, but some other pretext for moral indignation. I shouldn't be surprised, but even Harry Reid has come out to oppose Roberts because Roberts "has not satisfied the high burden that would justify [Reid's] voting for his confirmation based on the current record." The moral of the story that seems to be lost on the Democrats is that elections have consequences and one of them is that the President gets to pick who he likes for the Supreme Court. But enough of that.

What has brought me back to the fold is the news that Ice T is going to produce David Hassellhof's new hip hop album. Ice T reports that "He's gonna come out as Hassle The Hoff - I promise you. The Hoff will surprise people with his rap skills and humour." The website that this comes from, ananova.com, definitely has some funny stuff on it, but I think that it is legitimate. You might have to go back to Rodman and Van Damme in Double Team (1997), though you could make an argument for Marky Mark and Lou Diamond Phillips in the Big Hit (1998), to find a more promising tag team. For just a taste of how great this could be, check out this site with pictures of The Hoff and then reminisce on the words of Cop Killer. In the words of the Koala Swimwear catalogue, this could be explosive.

BQC's Update: I have heard that this is a hoax, but hopefully this hoax is exactly what was needed to make this a reality.

The Face of Kelo

The Washington Times is running a piece by Susette Kelo, the woman who lost the recent Eminent Domain case in the Supreme Court. What the liberals on the Supreme Court have done to her is an atrocity. Here she is in her own words:

I grew up in southeastern Connecticut and bought my house at 8 East St. in New London in 1997. It was just what I wanted: great view of the water, affordable price, nice neighbors. I enjoyed fixing it up and making my family's home. I invested a lot of time and energy in this house and my neighborhood.

In 1998, a real estate agent came by and made me an offer on the house on behalf of an unnamed buyer. I explained to her I was not interested in selling, but she said my home would be taken by eminent domain if I refused to sell. She told me stories of her relatives who had lost their homes to eminent domain. Her advice? Give up. The government always wins.

Why did the City and the New London Development Corp. (NLDC) want to kick us out? To make way for up-scale condos and other private developments that could bring in more taxes to the city and possibly more jobs. The poor and middle class had to make way for the rich and politically connected.

If the government was taking our property for a road or firehouse, I would be prepared to sell without a fight. But the government should not be able to force me to sell my home so someone else can enjoy my view. NLDC wants my land to market to a developer for projects to "complement" our area's new Pfizer facility. This is for private profit, not public use.

Nearly all my neighbors' homes have been bulldozed -- all but those seven families who stayed and fought not only for our rights, but for the rights of homeowners nationwide.

Like my neighbors up the street, I worked hard (in my case, at up to three jobs at a time) to pay for my home. And we should not be forced out by our own government simply because someone else who carries more political clout wants the land for a nonpublic use. Isn't that what the courts, Congress and the Constitution are supposed to protect us from?

It's hard to imagine anything more un-American than taking a person’s home in order to give it to someone wealthier. If the Developers really want Kelo's property they must offer her what SHE thinks it's worth, not what they are willing to pay. Wealthy individuals and corporations shouldn't be allowed to coerce the government into taking a person’s property. This use of Eminent Domain is not permitted by the Consitution and the Supreme Court should have opposed it.

This is America after all!

Sean Adds: Amen, brother. I believe that the combination of Kelo and Raiche will brand this particular band of liberal clowns a disaster of historic purportions.

Monday, September 19, 2005

And Now for Something Completely Different

I know that caring about the Emmys is beneath the dignity of even the most booger encrusted five year old. Nevertheless, the results of last night’s awards show have pissed me off. Why? Because Everybody Loves Raymond won for best comedy and Arrested Development did not. This is important because Arrested Development is on the bubble; its ratings are bad and Fox only holds onto it because critics like it and it wins awards (it won for best writing last night). It needs to win in order to survive. Also, it deserved to win because, unlike Everybody Loves Raymond, it’s funny.

The worst part was seeing that Doris Roberts beat Jessica Walters for best supporting actress in a comedy. Now, if there were an award for the most annoying supporting actress, Doris Roberts would win that hands down, but there is no such award. Jessica Walters’ portrayal of Lucille, the sarcastic, selfish and alcoholic matron of the Bluth Family, is hysterically funny. She's the funniest female character on television since Seinfeld's Elaine. (I loved the episode where she drives by Lindsay, her daughter, as Lindsay cage-dances for a bunch of rednecks. Lucille does not recognize her daughter and mutters under her breath “now there’s someone who could have used a good mother” before leaning out the window to shout “WHORE!”)

Best supporting actor in a comedy series went to Brad Garret of Everybody Loves Raymond instead of Jeremy Piven from Entourage. Now, I haven’t seen the second season of Entourage, but if Piven’s character, Ari, was only one billionth as good in the second season as he was in the first, he still blew the annoying Brad Garret out of the water. Arrested Development, of course, had an entire cast of people better than Garret. Jeffery Tambor was nominated, but I think that Will Arnet (who plays Gob on AD) is the funniest supporting actor on television (after Piven).

The Emmys, in short, were an atrocity.

Anyway, Arrested Development is on tonight and you must watch it!

Friday, September 16, 2005

Cindy Sheehan Imitates INFDL

A few days ago I suggested that because the City of New Orleans had come to resemble Fallujah, the U.S. should pull out. I was kidding. Now Cindy Sheehan has said the same thing. She was not kidding:

George Bush needs to stop talking, admit the mistakes of his all around failed administration, pull our troops out of occupied New Orleans and Iraq, and excuse his self from power.

“Occupied New Orleans” Wow. The woman is clearly out of her mind. After this, the latest in a long list of moronic remarks, I think there won’t be a person left in this country who can’t see straight through the grieving mother fa├žade to Sheehan’s core of Anti-American hate. Read her whole ranting post on (what else?) Michael Moore’s web site. It would be hilarious satire if she weren’t serious.

Hell’s Bell

I’ll have a Nacho Supreme, a Chicken Soft Taco and a big glass of bacteria flavored Mountain Dew . . .

Remember the good old days when Taco Bell employees didn’t have to wear biohazard suits?

Update: They didn't "have to" wear biohazard suits, but it would still probably have been a good idea.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

The Red Crescent Gets the Kibosh

Apparently Paul Murdoch, architect of the Flight 93 memorial, is going to have his “Prophet’s Backyard” privileges revoked. He has bowed to pressure (largely generated by the blogosphere) and says he will rethink his obscenely Islamophilic memorial design.

I have a suggestion. Instead of a red crescent, the monument should consist of a colossal statue depicting Todd Beamer as he jams a ball point pen into the eyeball of a turban wearing man of Middle Eastern origin. Captured terrorists would be brought to the statue and hung from the pen.

Mr. Murdoch, this idea is now yours, gratis.

Snnnnnnnif

Look at the picture. What do you think Condi’s fingers smell like? When I spot my four year old doing this it generally means he has had some kind of wiping-related mishap.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Ken Livingston: Jackass

The Mayor of London, Ken Livingston, has found a new buddy named Yusuf al-Qaradawi. The Daily Telegraph quotes Ken:

"Of all the Muslim leaders in the world today, Sheikh Qaradawi is the most powerfully progressive force for change and for engaging Islam with western values," Mr Livingstone told the Commons home affairs select committee.

The Sheik hates Jews and supports suicide bombing. So let me get this straight, progressives are anti-Semitic supporters of suicide bombings? Progressives have come a long way since the days of the Bull Moose Party. But that’s progress for you.

Ken stands up for the Sheik:

Mr Livingstone said that many of the comments attributed to the imam were "from translated sources hostile to him." He was also not responsible for everything on the website that operates under his name.

I’m glad we have Mr. Livingston around, with his vast knowledge of the Arab tongue, so he can set us straight about what The Sheik has really said.

The mayor conceded that he did not condemn "and may be prepared to endorse" suicide bombings in Israel because the Palestinians "only have their bodies" as weapons. His views were shared by a majority of Muslims, said Mr Livingstone.

If the Palestinians were using only their bodies as weapons, Israel would be safe. Can you imagine a Palestinian man loading himself onto a makeshift trebuchet and launching himself onto an Israeli bus? It would be a comical spectacle enjoyed by all who witnessed it, and the Islamist would go on to receive his bevy of nubile virgins in heaven. But, sadly, the Palestinians use actual bombs, and they generally use them against civilian targets. Livingston is apparently OK with this.

He also said it was easy for those in the West to condemn all violence but "I don't know what I would be doing if I was in Uzbekistan, dealing with that government."

Ahh, but we in the West do not condemn “all violence.” I consider myself a staunch Westerner and I find myself supporting violence very frequently. For example, I am in favor of violence against terrorists, such as those supported by the Sheik.

Asked about al-Qaradawi's views on homosexuality - he is said to consider it an "abominable practice" and questioned whether gays should be put to death - Mr Livingstone said that much of his website was "a series of questions of a philosophical nature".

What do you think Livingston’s opinion of a Christian would be if that Christian wondered aloud if gays should be put to death? "Oh, just the philisophical musings of Jerry Falwell . . ."

One of the most baffling aspects of the war on terror is the eagerness of the left to sell out to people who should be its worst enemies. Livingston is shilling for a violence-advocating, racist, homophobic, religious zealot. Why? It’s up to conservatives to fight people who, according to the left, hold the same views conservatives do.

Tom DeLay: Jackass

Remember a few months ago when the Democrats were out for Tom DeLay’s blood? What happened to that? My guess is that the Dems saw that if they pressed DeLay’s dubious dealings the GOP would turn around and probe them like a redneck on a UFO. So everybody in Congress sort of walked away whistling.

Anyway, I only bring this up because I almost wish the Democrats had won. Read this from today’s Washington Times:

House Majority Leader Tom DeLay said yesterday that Republicans have done so well in cutting spending that he declared an "ongoing victory," and said there is simply no fat left to cut in the federal budget.

NO FAT LEFT TO CUT! Is he a moron or does he think I am? Probably both.

Mr. DeLay was defending Republicans' choice to borrow money and add to this year's expected $331 billion deficit to pay for Hurricane Katrina relief. Some Republicans have said Congress should make cuts in other areas, but Mr. DeLay said that doesn't seem possible.

Not possible? Point to any page in the budget, get out your scissors, and cut. That’s all there is to it.

"My answer to those that want to offset the spending is sure, bring me the offsets, I'll be glad to do it. But nobody has been able to come up with any yet," the Texas Republican told reporters at his weekly briefing.

So, the fact that his fellow Congressman can’t find anything to offset against Katrina relief means that there is nothing to be cut? Since when can a congressman, of any party, find something that isn’t worth spending MY money on?

Asked if that meant the government was running at peak efficiency, Mr. DeLay said, "Yes, after 11 years of Republican majority we've pared it down pretty good."

Unless “pared it down” means “stuffed its ass with sausage” DeLay should be beaten with a phonebook. As Rudy Canoza would say, “he liiies!” The government has ballooned under the Republicans. Even worse, they brag about it. Remember the last Republican convention?

Mr. DeLay said the budget this year was pared down and 100 programs or offices were eliminated in this year's spending bills. "We have been doing that for 11 years," he said. He said it's an "ongoing process" that will be more complete after this year's budget process, which calls for cuts to Medicaid and other entitlement programs.

The budget is like the hydra, for every program you cut, two more are created. We need a Hercules to destroy the beast, and as far as I can see there is none in either party.

Friday, September 09, 2005

Life Imitates Phil

A few years ago Phil Hendrie had a guest on his show named Dean Wheeler. Dean was trying to raise money for a 9/11 memorial. The problem was that the memorial was not for the victims, but for the terrorists. Dean said that the monument would include statutes of the hijackers looking off into the distance with a caption underneath that said “We Did Our Best.” As the show evolved Dean revealed that he was raising money for this project because a Muslim woman had promised to reward him with an Islamic sex act called “the Prophet’s Backyard.”

Anyway, I bring this up because apparently someone has offered the Prophet’s Backyard to a man named Paul Murdoch. He’s the designer of the Flight 93 memorial and you can find a picture of his design on Michelle Malkin’s excellent blog. It will piss you off.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

The Vampire Did It!

Jim Geraghty of NRO places the blame for the Katrina debacle exactly where it belongs: on the shoulders of Anne Rice. Read this excellent column!

The Nail on the Head

I just had to link to this. Iowahawk is in top form with today’s parody of hurricane news. My favorite bit was this “news niblet”:

N.O. MAYOR SLAMS FEDS FOR LACK OF INCOMPETENCE PLANNING

In a televised interview with CNN's Larry King, New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin today angrily criticized government response to the Katrina disaster, noting that state and federal officials had "failed to anticipate and factor in my obvious corruption and incompetence."

"What kind of bubble do these idiots live in?" said Nagin. "For crissakes, this is New Orleans, and me, we're talking about."

Read the whole thing. It’s funny stuff.

Crass, Crasser, Crassus

Chapter 3 of On the Bum has been posted here. In this chapter a monster tries to gnaw its way out of Andy’s belly as he is given a lesson on the bargaining principles of Marcus Licinius Crassus.

Thursday, September 01, 2005

New Fallujah

Our troops are being fired upon, the citizens are enraged, lawlessness abounds and chaos reigns. Is it time for the United States to pull out of New Orleans?

I’ve always thought of Peggy Noonan as a kind-hearted lady who really loves Ronald Reagan. Here’s what she has to say about New Orleans:

As for the tragic piggism that is taking place on the streets of New Orleans, it is not unbelievable but it is unforgivable, and I hope the looters are shot. A hurricane cannot rob a great city of its spirit, but a vicious citizenry can. A bad time with Mother Nature can leave you digging out for a long time, but a bad turn in human behavior frays and tears all the ties that truly bind human being--trust, confidence, mutual regard, belief in the essential goodness of one's fellow citizens.

Amen to that. Americans have responded with remarkable humanity to recent disasters. But a shocking number of the citizens of New Orleans are behaving like animals. And not nice animals like puppies and kittens, but really creepy animals like the Goliath Bird-Eating Spider. They’ve been looting, raping and killing. They’ve even fired on rescue workers and, according to a bulletin on CNN.com, one jackass even took it upon himself to pour sniper fire into a hospital as it tried to evacuate its sickest patients.

The hurricane was bad and the levy break was worse, but the most horrifying news to come out of this disaster is the bestial way so many people are reacting to it.

Update: Just when you think Cindy Sheehan can’t get any more ridiculous she says this: "George (Bush) is finished playing golf and telling his fables in San Diego, so he will be heading to Louisiana to see the devastation that his environmental policies and his killing policies have caused."

(via Best of the Web)

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Concert review: high-speed running amok and anti-penis-envy

Question: What does one do when attending a concert featuring a Led Zeppelin tribute band where "Robert Plant" looks like Michael Bolton and and "Jimmy Page" looks like Paul Stanley? And a "John Paul Jones" that insists on playing on a keyboard more than his bass? Answer: you squint your eyes a little and just hope they play "hot dog". To fill you all in, I went down to the Orlando House of Blues on Saturday with some peeps to catch the Zep tribute band along with a GnR tribute band for some nostalgia. A double header like that for the low, low price of 17 chonies is a no-brainer for me. At least I'd get to hear the music played live if nothing else. Besides, cheesy, stuggling and simply-for-the-love tribute bands have a warm place in my heart, bless their souls. Well, apart from the Bolton-Stanley-keyboard-guy triad, the Bolton-esque "Robert Plant" also had some really short legs, as opposed to the more long-legged real Robert Plant. I only bring this up because it was, in fact, very funny to see this "Robert Plant" try to mimic the real Robert Plant's on-stage moves (you know, the package-and-dong shaking in tight jeans) with his little short stubby ones (also adorned in tight jeans). There you go, ladies. That was all for you! The Guns tribute band was very, very authentic. "Axl Rose" could have been the real Axl's twin, in all seriousness. The only problem here is that to be a good "Axl Rose" you'd need to perform with the same energy as if playing in front of 30-50,000 (you know, with all of Axl's running around and stuff). This "Axl Rose" attempted to mimic this by leaving the stage for a short while only so that he could come running back out (at absolutely full speed) onto the stage. He must have done that 50 times. They played the song "Civil War", which made me happy since that song was practically the only song that wasn't played when I saw the real Guns in '93, where they did one of their famous marathon 3-hour shows. Geez, what a time. Too bad GnR will never play again. But I think that the story and the times of Guns n Roses is one of those extraordinary "shooting star" moments in history that makes legends. And GnR hit so fast and so hard that they never had much of a chance of lasting more than a few years. In some ways I wish that Metallica could have followed their example. I still enjoy seeing them live, but they ain't the same. Btw, way to go, Noay, for all the posting. Keep it up (that's not a double entendre).

PS Next up, I'm gonna catch a tribute band of the Doors, with Creed's Scott Stapp as "Jim Morrison". Wtf? Whoever told that guy that he's some Jim Morrison figure is an asshole! The Morrison-Stapp comparison has got to be the worst comparison ever made! I challenge all INFDL junkies out there (I know you're out there, you're just hiding!) to come up with a worse comparison than that.

Dogs of the Damned

I have posted Chapter 2 of On the Bum. In this chapter Andrew, our hero, spends the night in close company with another homeless man. Is there a romantic spark? You'll have to read it to find out!

My Katrina Post

The big story is the terrible damage wrought by Katrina. It makes me sick to look at pictures of all those ruined homes, and to read stories of evil people looting and loved ones drowning.

A few years ago I read a good book about the Mississippi flood of 1927 called “Rising Tide,” and it made me aware of the potential for a catastrophe in New Orleans. When I heard that the hurricane was headed there I thought to myself “this is gonna suck.” It does suck. (Another good Gulf of Mexico natural disaster book is Isaac’s Storm, which recounts the shocking story of the hurricane that hit Galveston Texas in 1900 and killed 10,000 people. It’s a good read and helps put Katrina into perspective.)

Michelle Malkin has done some good work covering the tragedy.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

One Step Forward, One Step Back

Good news for freedom lovers in California:

An Aug. 22 memo from CHP headquarters ordered officers not to cite motorists or seize their drugs if they carry up to eight ounces of marijuana, or six mature or 12 immature plants, as long as they possess a valid state or local government medical marijuana patient or primary caregiver identification card or a signed recommendation from a physician.

Bad news for freedom lovers in California:

Never passing a chance for a good press release, (California Attorney General) Lockyer filed a lawsuit against a number of fast-food chains and junk-food producers because their french fries and potato chips contain trace amounts of acrylamide -- a chemical also found in asparagus and olives, it is a natural byproduct of cooking certain starchy foods.

Can I eat French fries if I have a note from my doctor? (Er, French-American fries . . . er, Freedom-American fries . . .)

The Great Wall

Hadrian had one, the Chinese had one, let’s build one! Let’s build a huge-ass wall! Our border with Mexico is as leaky as TomAy on the Terror Ride. Let’s patch the sucker up! Let’s build a huge-ass wall! Rivers and barbed wire do nothing to deter the herds of illegal aliens (er, Undocumented-Americans) stampeding over our border every year. The border patrol is overwhelmed. Let’s build a huge ass wall!

Here’s the President’s response to the ongoing illegal immigration crisis (as reported in the Washington Times):

President Bush yesterday told a crowd of supporters in Arizona that "we have an obligation to enforce the borders," but did not mention his guest-worker proposal that would allow millions of illegal aliens to stay in the United States.

Rocks would have been thrown had he mentioned the guest-worker proposal.

"I understand it's putting a strain on your resources," the president said during a stop in Phoenix to discuss Medicare. "We know that. I don't know if you know this or not, but hundreds of thousands of people have been detained, trying to illegally cross into Arizona.”

Hundreds of thousands are detained, MILLIONS are not. Good job Mr. President!

"In other words, what I'm telling you is, there's a lot of people working hard to get the job done, but there is more we can do," he said.

There IS more we can do, WE CAN BUILD A HUGE-ASS WALL!

Mr. Bush vowed that the federal government would work closely with state governments to tackle the problem of illegal immigration.

That’s code talk for “I ain’t gonna do jack-crap about it.”

"That's the most effective way to do things, is to work with the state and local authorities. There are more resources that will be available; we'll have more folks on the border; there will be more detention space to make sure that those who are stopped trying to illegally enter our country are able to be detained."

Did you notice the problem with the President’s response? It didn’t involve building a huge-ass wall! Congress is blowing $286 billion on its ludicrous highway bill. For a fraction of that amount we can build a beautiful 2,000 mile long twenty-foot-high concrete wall with broken glass on top (a la Israel). In all seriousness, I say we do it.

To paraphrase the famous speech Ronald Reagan gave at the Brandenburg Gate:

Come here to this border! Mr. Bush, close this gate! Mr. Bush, build up this huge-ass wall!

Friday, August 26, 2005

Chickenhawk Chickenshit

Rich Lowry takes on the worn out left-wing argument that unless you are have been a soldier (or are the mother of a dead soldier) you have no right to support the war:

The Cindy Sheehan controversy has revived the long-running chicken-hawk argument, since so much of her appeal has to do with her unique standing to pronounce on the war given the sacrifice of her son. Amazingly, after three years, President Bush critics still write chicken-hawk letters as if they have arrived at something clever and cutting, when they are really rehashing a bottom-of-the-barrel ad hominem argument. The chicken-hawk line is the “Oh, yeah? Your mama!” of antiwar arguments.

Its logic, if taken seriously, actually would boost the hawks. If only members of the military — who are overwhelmingly conservative — were considered competent to decide the nation’s posture on matters of war and peace, we would have an even more forward-leaning foreign policy. I’m comfortable letting the 82nd Airborne decide what we do about anti-American rogue states.

Me too!

Read the whole thing.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Blame Bush!

I’m not going to have time to post much today so let me simply direct your attention to BlameBush one of the funniest blogs on the web. Most of the blog consists of satirical anti-Bush broadsides, but this recently posted book review was also hilarious:

From Katherine Willey to Juanita Broderick, Their Lives: The Women Targeted by the Clinton Machine explores the many loves of a man who just had too much love to give. Unlike Bush, who won't even take time out from his drunken holiday to speak to a poor, grieving mother, President Clinton wouldn't hesitate to meet with the little people and feel their pain - and, if time permitted, other parts of their anatomy as well. That's because deep down within his throbbing loins he had a burning desire to help those in need - especially damsels in distress who came looking for a friend and went away with so much more. Trailer trash whoreslut Paula Jones turned to a young Arkansas governor for a new job, and got a glimpse of the future president that only a few hundred other women can claim to have seen. Katherine Willey came to Clinton for a shoulder to cry on...but she got the BONUS PLAN, BABY!!! OHHHH!!! Sure, Clinton got a little boisterous sometimes, but at least he never murdered anyone. No one who didn't have it coming, anyway.

Although he was the most powerful man in the free world, Bill Clinton would drop everything, including his pants, to help a friend. Their Lives chronicles the ordinary lives of the women who were proud to call Bill Clinton a "friend", and what's left of their lives now.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Gas Guzzler in Chief?

Of all the ridiculous, petty and absurd attacks on the president, this one may very well take the cake: He travels too much and wastes too much gas! We had to attack Iraq just to keep his up-armored SUV's rolling! (And you know that if he stayed in the Whitehouse and traveled very little he would be clobbered for being “out of touch” and doing nothing to get to know America and the world.)

On second thought, it doesn’t take the cake. Recent attacks on him for being in good shape do.

Nitwit with a Pen: Part III

Sean Penn’s third installment on his trip to Iran is out today. It’s as annoying and boring as the first two. The worst thing about it is Penn’s insistence on referring to low level Iranian goons as the “Siths.” Here he uses the Star Wars term three times in four sentences:

The Siths milled about nervously and then, "He's coming. He's coming!" barked the bearded Sith. I placed my video camera on a nearby stairwell to record the event of our interview. One of the Siths came to me and positioned me at the shoulders as though I were a mannequin in a window display.

Why does he call them “Siths?” He began doing it in the last article in the series but he never made his reasons very clear.

But here is the worst paragraph in today’s installment. It recounts Penn’s interview with Hassan Khomeini:

He had been told that I had gone to the Friday prayers, so he began the interview by asking my feelings about that. I told him that while the sea of belief in Islam had been impressive, that the use of seductive rage in the chants of "Death to America" and "Death to Israel" are taken quite literally by mothers and fathers in the United States.

Why don’t I ever get to chant “death to” whatever in church services here? I feel gypped. It’s good to see that the august tradition of the two minute hate is alive and well in the Islamic Republic of Iran. And I can’t imagine why the mother’s and fathers in the United States would take chants of “Death of America” and “Death to Israel” literally! Surely the Iranians are just having a little fun at our expense! Ha, Ha! “Death to America!” what a wacky sense of humor you Iranians have.

I said that it (chants of death to America and Israel) seemed to me a highly destructive and inaccurate representation of the country I had come to learn about.

“Inaccurate?” The problem isn’t that these chants are inaccurate, it’s that they are PERFECTLY accurate. Liberals just can’t bring themselves to believe that there are people in the world who would like to do them harm just because they are Americans, or because they are not Muslims, or because they are the wrong kind of Muslims.

Hassan listened with kind interest. His eyes didn't leave me as the translator made clear my statement. He uttered a very brief sentence in Farsi. He said, "Then we should change it."

Way to go Penn! You successfully changed the man’s mind and struck a blow for tolerance!

I found myself very moved when he spoke about tolerance for other religions. He said, "The purpose of multiple religions is for each to complete the other," and that "therefore, they are not only to be tolerated, but embraced." This, from the closest living male descendant of the Ayatollah, who had declared a death fatwa upon writer Salman Rushdie. And I believed him.

That’s because you’re a jackass.

Yet he cautioned me upon further questioning about the definition of terrorism. "What is the yardstick" he asked, "that defines Iran as a terrorist-supporting nation, yet dismisses such a claim against Israel?" And I supposed that his question could be asked about the United States as well.

Thanks for tossing the good old US of A into the terrorist mix there Penn! Khomeini forgot, but you were right there to step into the breach.

Such an awe inspiring display of nincompoopery deserves a spot on the Huffington Post.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Call in the National Guard! There's kids dancing!

I don't care wether or not those kids at Diamond Fork had the propper permits or not. In fact, I don't care if they were spackling each other with hot Marmalade glaze. This video right here (and most likely many more to come) could cost Utah taxpayers millions upon millions of dollars.

What the hell are the fun-mob thinking? That in this day and age, with cheap communications and video technology available to all, the clowns in camo thought sicking attack dogs on teenagers would send a nice strong message to all those who would dare dance to bad techno boggles the mind.

But, one might ask, what of the drugs and guns we all saw on "2News Fresh Air"? Looks alot like the daily security take at the University Mall to me. Hell, I've seen more booty on a slow Thursday at EFY. In fact, if one was to raid a traffic jam on I-15, there would most likely be many similar unsavory items uncovered. The point to me is, if we can't be free to gather on our own property without official interference, then what kind of freedom do we really have?

Perhaps the most creepy part of this mess is nestled in this little dung-nugget from the Daily Herald, quoting Sheriff Jim Tracy:
Tracy said they are monitoring the Internet, searching for fliers and dispatching helicopters on reconnaissance missions over Utah Valley to locate such gatherings before they expand to thousands of people -- beyond what law enforcement can control.
"Dispatching helicopters on reconnaissance missions"? With the wide selection of ills that plague our society, it certainly is comforting to know that the Sheriff is making sure that no binky shall be sucked and no light-stick shall be twirled without his GI-Joe-ass knowing about it.

Update: Instapundit hits this shit.

You Haven’t Begun Posting Another Online Novel Have You?

Now that you ask, yes. Yes I have. My new novel is called “On the Bum,” and is the story of a young law student who becomes homeless . . . with hilarious results.

This story is not for the weak of stomach. It contains, for example, a five page section describing the hero’s first bowel movement as a homeless person. There are also passages that discuss corpse vomit, underpants crotch ossification, fungal discharge and the excrement besmeared condition of Tenderloin hotel rooms.

I am more than a little embarrassed to have written such a thing. Nevertheless, it contains a few good gags so here it is.

As for Uncle Theo, despite its enormous readership the book has become bogged down in my sloth. Who knows if, or when, it will be finished. On the Bum is already finished, and, as it is only seven chapters long, it will be posted in its entirety within a month and a half.

Sean Penn: Nitwit with a Pen

Here is the best paragraph from the second installment of Sean Penn’s moronic reporting on the Iranian election:

We were sitting in Nayeb restaurant in central Tehran. I’d been holding a piss through the hours of prayer service. So after I ordered my lunch, I excused myself to the men’s room. “Men’s” was written in Farsi above, and “Manly” in English below. I stepped into the water closet, grateful to just have a piss. If I’d had more serious business there, it would’ve been a squat job with no hook for one’s jacket. Now, that would’ve been manly.

Unfortunately, Penn’s article suffered from the fact that discussions of piss and “squat jobs” were relatively infrequent. Also, “water closet”? Who the hell does he think he is? Winston Churchill? His American citizenship should be stripped! And you don’t “have a piss” you “take a piss.” Being married to Madonna must have really screwed up his brain.

Penn’s dispatch covers the Iranian election. The election was in June. Why are we only receiving the produce of his golden pen now? My guess is that the editors of the San Francisco Chronicle took one look at what he had written and quickly realized that they were going to have to edit the shit out of it. But even after two months we still have the phrase “have a piss” inflicted upon us.

It gets worse when he interviews some Iranian government functionary:

He said something that really caught my ear. “There are four or five dissidents only who are currently in prison,” he said with disconcerting ease. “Even you, in the United States, have journalists in prison, probably the same amount, and some currently under threat. There are some human rights issues, then we have to solve that. In the United States, your Guardian Council are the rich. It is not so different.” In the days to come, the younger Rafsanjani’s words would be put to the test. He had posed a balance between Iranian treatment of free press and that in the United States. I chose to diligently consider this proposition, and was mindful of the cases against Matt Cooper and Judith Miller, and separately, the suspicious umbrella over Robert Novak back home.

What kind of gullible boob needs to “consider diligently” the question of whether the Iran’s press is as free as that of the United States. Also, what is this “Guardian Council” and how do I become a member?

Luckily, Penn takes a step towards sanity a few paragraphs later:

Akbar Ganji, a heroic investigative journalist who at one time wrote columns implicating high-ranking individuals in assassination of dissidents, had disappeared two days before my arrival in Tehran. The talk on the street had him in prison or dead. Ganji had already spent 62 months behind bars on a term that began in April 2000 for expressing political views. (The following day, it would be revealed by Human Rights Watch that he had been taken back into solitary confinement at Tehran’s Evin prison, was barred from contact with family or lawyers and has taken to a life-threatening hunger strike.)

I put out the word that I would like to speak with Abbas Abdi, another prominent dissident who had been jailed two years for polling Iranians on relations toward the United States. I was told that in the uncertainty of the moment, and because of the disappearance of Ganji, Abdi was giving no interviews. I was starting to question, very seriously question, Mehdi Rafsanjani’s view of what represents a free press in Iran versus that in the United States.

He was “starting to question” whether the press was a free in Iran as the United States! Give the man the skeptic of the year award!

Another Sign You Live in the Most Conservative City in America

The local university (BYU) is rated the #1 Stone Cold Sober school in the nation, beating out the wild men at the Air Force Academy and College of the Ozarks.

BYU is also ranked the third "most nostalgic for Reagan" and is the number one school for frequent prayer. Eat our dust Wheaton!

Able Danger Update About Dangerous Danger Enabling Enablers Ably Enabling Danger

Did I ditch Able Danger too soon? Another officer has come forward to support allegations that the military intelligence operation pointed to Mohammad Atta as a terrorist a year before 9/11.

Suddenly this story looks like it may have legs again.

I hereby retract my retraction

Monday, August 22, 2005

Able Danger Allegations in Danger

Last week I briefly commented on a story concerning the 9/11 Commission’s failure to adequately investigate information given to them by a military intelligence program called Able Danger. The story has come under significant fire, and it now appears to be nearly entirely discredited. In fact, the commentator I quoted in my post, John Podhoretz, now believes the Able Danger story to be bogus.

Consider this a retraction.

Nevertheless, my characterization of the commission as a collection of gaseous windbags still stands.

In an unrelated story, it’s good to see that Sean is still alive.

Sunday, August 21, 2005

It's Alive!

To Noah: 72 virgin Camels await your holy exit from Earth for the heavy lifting that has been done by you on behalf of INFDL. I've laughed, I've cried. I've nearly shat my pants twice recently reading your unholy prose.

To Tommay: great riches of treasure, spices and oils await your liberated spirit as you ascend to the side of Muhammad. A great greasy turban shall be placed on your brow to note the weight you have carried through what will become known as the "Black Summer" of '05.

INFDL lives because of the life that has been breathed into it by these two prophets. The lack of posts on my part should under no circumstances be considered the death of INFDL. It merely notes the death of any spare time that befell me this summer. My full fury of posting shall return in September, for Welfare Check Day is nigh, and the disease called "the Restaurant" shall be pulled from my weary flesh, it's quivering remains placed an a barbecue to be dined upon by all of the minion of INFDL. More details to come soon.

Friday, August 19, 2005

A Day in the Life

A study by a group called the Bay Area Center for Voting Research has dubbed Detroit the most liberal city on the fruited plane, and Provo (my hometown) the most conservative. What’s it like to live in the most conservative city in America? I’ll give you a day in the life:

5:30 AM -- I am awakened by the truck that drives around my neighborhood every morning with loudspeakers blaring: “EVERYONE MUST VAKE UP! DO YOU WANT THE JUDEN TO BEAT YOU? THEY’VE BEEN UP SINCE 4:00 VORKING LIKE THE DEVIOUS DOGS ZEY ARE! SCHNELL! SCHNELL!”

6:00 AM – After warming myself by a tire fire (we use tires as fuel so as to maximize pollution) I go outside to retrieve the morning paper. I enjoy this despite the fact that the police have clipped out all the Doonesbury cartoons and any photographs of women A) with larger than average breasts or, B) doing any work that is not domestic.

7:00 AM – When my wife delivers a cold plate of eggs and bacon to the breakfast table I assert my patriarchic prerogative and punch her in the face before making her sit on the plate until the food is warm again.

7:30 AM – I pop a Pat Boon CD into the car stereo and head off to work. When I bought my car it got 20 miles to the gallon. I have had the engine altered so that it now only gets two blocks to the gallon.

7:45 AM – I have arrived early so I swap racist jokes with my co-workers. Also, I randomly pinch the bottoms of any woman who comes within my purview. They giggle and accept my superiority as a male.

8:00 AM – I work at a law firm that drafts employee contracts for third world sweatshops. This morning I came up with a new “beatings clause” which allows employers to whack their employees with any sick that is no more than one foot in diameter.

12:00 NOON – I eat lunch with a number of other white men at an establishment called “The Blood Grill.” Each patron of the restaurant chooses a live animal from a large cage in the lobby. He then skewers it on a metal spike and grills it on a fire at his own table. I have a squirrel.

5:00 PM – Upon leaving the office for the day I spot a person whom I suspect might be gay. I say, “nice day out eh?” And he responds with: “yes it is.” The lisp in his voice confirms that he is indeed gay. I kick him in the nards.

6:00 PM – My wife delivers a steak to the table. It is undercooked. I throw it at her and tell her to sit on it until it is cooked. This takes too long so I allow her to put it back on the grill. After eating I am in a good mood so I allow her to gnaw the bone. After that I send her back into the cage with the children.

7:00 PM – My favorite part of the day! Patrol Time! I put on the uniform of the Concerned Citizens Brigade and look for anyone who may be Latino (illegal immigrant!) or Muslim (terrorist!). Tonight I am fortunate and administer three beatings. One guy I think is a Muslim turns out to just be a guy with a beard. I apologize and move on.

8:30 PM – I meet with the Federalist Society. The Society is a big secret and I can’t tell you what we talked about. But I can say this: within a year of John Roberts appointment to the Supreme Court the entire Bill of Rights (except for the bit about guns) will be abolished forever!

8:32 PM – Bedtime!

Sean says: Noah, you cretin! You should know by now that a bum itself cannot bring a steak to temperature!

That’s My Boy!

This morning pals of Al Qaeda launched a rocket attack on two U.S. ships in Aqaba, Jordan:

(CNN) -- An al Qaeda-linked group has claimed responsibility for rocket attacks Friday that targeted but missed two U.S. military ships in the Jordanian Red Sea port of Aqaba.

They claimed a failed attack? It has been said that “success has 100 fathers, but failure is an orphan.” But apparently the terrorists have no problem pointing to the retarded kid in the corner drooling all over himself while he crams paste up his nose, and saying “that’s my boy!”

You’d think they’d be embarrassed by their failures: fizzling bombs on the tube, missiles wildly off course in the Red Sea. etc. Maybe the donkeys, dogs and retarded kids they were using as suicide bombers have taken over all the leadership positions.

Thursday, August 18, 2005

I Hereby Protest Gary Hart

It’s hard to believe that Gary Hart, now one of the most incoherent blabbering boobs on the Huffington Post, was once a serious contender for the presidency of the United States of America. It is impossible to conceive of a more idiotic argument than the one he makes in his post on the H-Bomb today:


In the late 1980s the most respected leaders in the world--Nelson Mandela, Vaclav Havel, Lech Walesa (and earlier Martin Luther King)--all had one thing in common. They had spent time in jail. More important, they had spent time in jail for their beliefs, beliefs that threatened the power structures of their countries. It seems strange that many Americans idolize protesters in other countries and ridicule them at home.


As if all protestors are the same, and all of them are protesting the equal evils. Nelson Mandela, Vaclav Havel and Lech Walsea were battling terrible tyranny and brutal repression. Those protesting the United States are fighting against the best, freest and most opportunity-laden country in the world. Hart pretends that all protestors everywhere are fighting the same thing and that the only differences between them are geographic. This is a moronic presumption.


Equally strange is the tendency of conservatives to revere the protesters of early times--Tom Paine, the Bostonians who painted themselves like Indians and threw tea in Boston harbor, even the abolitionist John Brown--and vilify those who protest today. Someone once said that conservatives are the worshipers of dead radicals.


The Sons of Liberty were protestors in a good cause. They were protesting a tyrannical British Government that denied them self government, and in the case of Boston, was trying to starve them into submission. Other protestors in history were not so noble. I doubt you’d find many Conservatives who have kind words for the Civil War protestors who tried to destroy New York City or for the Luddites who violently protested technological advances that left them jobless.

Nevertheless, there is a rich history of protest in America, by laborers, by women, by war opponents, by environmentalists, by African Americans, and in almost every case the protests changed American ideas and policies for the better. Protesters make us think, that is those inclined to think. They stir things up, they rock the boat, they challenge the status quo and the conventional wisdom. They force us to look at reality often in painful ways. Protesters sometimes get themselves thrown in jail.

So, Gary, does this mean you support the pro-life protestors who encircle abortion clinics or the Cuban-Americans who protested the deportation of Elian Gonzales? Or how about the Terri Schiavo protestors, did they force you to look at reality in painful ways? If protestors are so great why don’t you go down to your local abortion clinic and pitch in?

It is a great wonder that war opponents, including increasing numbers of Democratic "leaders," are so silent. Some of the most visible simply believe the invasion of Iraq, which they endorsed, has been mismanaged, that more troops (not fewer) are needed! Even today, they seem untroubled by the false statements and manipulated intelligence of the administration. The most difficult political statement in the English language is: I made a mistake.

Speaking only for myself, I will find it very difficult to support any Democratic "leader" who remains silent at this critical moment but who wants to be president in 2008. There are defining moments in political careers and in national life where true character is revealed, where moral authority is achieved, or forfeited. Recall Dante's well-known warning that a special place is reserved in hell for those who, in times of moral crisis, preserve their neutrality.

There are those who earn their moral authority the hard way, by going to jail or, like Cindy Sheehan, by sacricing a loved one. Such people do not merely earn an audience with the president.

Such people deserve an accounting.

What a Jackass. There is nothing intrinsically good or evil about the act of protesting. Some protests are good, and some protests are evil. It all depends on what it is you are agitating against. Cindy Sheehan and the Anti-War crowd are not involved in a noble protest similar to those made by Lech Walesa or Martin Luther King. In fact, the anti-war activists are involved in a positively ignoble activity. They want this country to refuse to protect its citizens and to leave the Iraqis in the lurch. Their protest is despicable. They are in the same class as the protestors who surrounded Little Rock Central High School to prevent nine black kids from getting in.

If you’ll remember, Eisenhower called in the 101st Airborne Division to break through those ignoble protestors and get those kids into school. We’d just like to note that then, as now; the United States Army was on the right side of history.

You know, I hope the H-Bomb kicks out Greg Guttfeld quick because I go there looking for his posts and I end up reading horseshit by Gary Hart.

The End of BTK v BLT Confusion

For a long time whenever someone made reference to the BTK killer my thoughts would somehow turn to BLT sandwiches and how tasty they are. Mmmm bacon, fresh tomato, mayonnaise and toast! I’m not sure what the lettuce is for but who cares when there’s bacon involved!

But after reading this horrifying story about the BTK killer I don’t think my mind will ever fall into such an innocent thought pattern again. There's no punishment too bad for this guy. In fact, I think we should get a time machine working so we can grab one of history’s great torturers (like Torquemada, Ivan the Terrible or Lyndee England) and have them put their methods to work (like burning people at the stake, flaying them alive or forcing them into naked pyramids). Is there any punishment that could possibly be considered cruel and unusual when applied to Denis Rader?

You seriously shouldn’t read the story I linked to. It’s very disturbing. And the dude isn’t even going to get the death penalty! My only consolation is in knowing that he’s going to get the holy hell kicked out of him in prison. He's going to have to eat a lot of tossed salads.

Never doubt the existence of evil. Some people aren’t mentally ill or misunderstood. Some people are just evil. Rader is one of them.

And I don't think I'll ever eat a BLT (or a tossed salad) again.

Trent Lott: Pompous Jackass

In his new book former Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott has some harsh words for current Majority Leader Bill Frist (as reported by CNN):

In "Herding Cats, A Lifetime in Politics," Lott wrote that Sen. Bill Frist, his successor as majority leader, was one of the "main manipulators" in the events that resulted in his own loss of power. Lott lost his post in 2002 after making racially tinged remarks at a 100th birthday party for one-time segregationist Sen. Strom Thurmond.

Look Lott, you didn’t lose power because of anything Frist did. You lost power because you said, in essence, that you wished the United States had stayed segregated.

Frist's actions amounted to a "personal betrayal," Lott wrote. "I had taken him under my wing. ... He was my protege. ... We'd been friends off and on the floor, and that's pretty rare in a governmental body loaded with lone wolves and enormous egos."

Amy Call, a spokeswoman for Frist, R-Tennessee, said the senator "hasn't read the book, so he can't comment directly, but he always appreciates Senator Lott's advice."

Note to Frist: being called a “manipulator” and a personal betrayer does not amount to “advice.” It’s name calling pure and simple. You should respond not by saying you appreciate Lott’s advice but by asking “who cares what you say you pompous jackass?”

Who on Earth wants to read these books? No matter how many books you have read there has to be something left out there that would be a better choice than “Herding Cats.” The Harlequin publishing company, for example, has a whole line of works, and I am certain that all of them are better than Lott’s lugubrious autobiography (I recommend “The Marquis and the Milk Maid”).

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

"A Marine who proudly stood by the war he died in"

Chrenkoff has another post consisting of unnoticed stories about the parents of dead soldiers who disagree with Cindy Sheehan. One of the most moving is the story of Toni and Matt Matula whose son Matthew was killed in Iraq last year:

"Matthew was very proud of being a Marine and proud of his unit and what they were doing," Toni Matula said.

When the Matulas saw the Crawford protest on TV, something did more than just bother them.

"All this stuff going in Crawford, we've just been watching it and shaking our heads until two days ago, we saw the crosses with the names on there," Matt Matula said.

On one white cross read the name Matthew Matula: their 20-year-old son who was killed in Iraq last year."He's not a victim, he's a hero, and I think that everybody that's serving our country is heroes," Matt Matula said.

"He knew joining the Marines, his chances are, that was the purpose. His main number one job was to defend our country. He was very aware of that before he signed up," Toni Matula said.

So Matt Matula went to Crawford to stand up for his son, a Marine who proudly stood by the war he died in.

"I went there and had Matthew's name taken off of there. It's fine for people to grieve their own way. It aggravates me to see them using other people's names to further their cause," Matt Matula said.

"For people to use his name against it is not what he died for. He died so that they can do that though," Toni Matula said.

One of the most troubling aspect of Cindy Sheehan’s protest is that field of crosses (though there's no excuse for that moron who drove a truck through it). If she wants to use her own son as a propaganda tool, I suppose that’s her right. But where did she get the chutzpa to use the sons and daughters of others?

Oh, and I’m sorry I used the word “chutzpa” Cindy. I know how you don't like the Jews.

Update: Here's James Taranto on the truck driving moron mentioned above:

A local insurgent attacked a settlement near Crawford, Texas, yesterday, Reuters reports:

"Some 800 white wooden crosses, bearing the names of soldiers killed in Iraq like her son, have lined the road near the area where [Cindy] Sheehan has pitched a tent. Witnesses said they saw a truck dragging a pipe and chains drive over some of the crosses on Monday night.
Larry Northern, 46, of nearby Waco, Texas, was arrested and charged with criminal mischief in connection with the incident, Crawford Police Chief Donnie Tidmore said."

Now, we have no truck with mischievous criminals, but at the same time it's important to understand what motivates people to do things like this. After all, one man's vandal is another's freedom-fighter. The Sheehanoids should be asking: Why do they hate us?

Think about it: If outside settlers were occupying your land, demonizing your leaders and slandering your country, wouldn't you have feelings of rage and hopelessness? Again, we're not condoning what Larry Northern allegedly did. Our point is that only by understanding what drove him to this desperate act can we put an end to the cycle of recrimination.

Update: Edmund Morris, the author of one of my all-time favorite books (“The Rise of Theodore Roosevelt”) has written an excellent NY Times op-ed on Cindy Sheehan and the tradition of Presidential Sympathy. Read the whole thing, but I’ll give you this bit as an enticement:

He is our elected president, with the business of a nation to run. Ms. Sheehan has gotten more time with him than most grieving mothers, and if she felt, during those unsatisfactory minutes, that there was a glass wall around him, it unfortunately comes with the job. A president has to protect himself from emotional predators, or he'd be sucked dry within a week of taking office.

Bangladeshi Bombs

Islamic terrorists in Bangladesh have exploded an astonishing 350 bombs in various cities across the country. 115 people have been injured but, thankfully, so far there is only one reported fatality.

Well, I guess that’ll show the Bangladeshis to attack Iraq in an imperialist war for oil! Wait . . . they didn’t attack Iraq? They aren’t even members of the coalition?

You can hear the left trying to think of some way to pin this on President Bush (or maybe Israel. The Jews did it! Yeah, that’s the ticket, just like they started the black plague!).

Update: Best of the Web echos INFDL

James Taranto had pretty much the same thought INFDL did on the bombings:

Three hundred fifty bombs? Wow, someone's really mad about the Bangladeshi occupation of Iraq!

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

The "Chief Brody slap", it's a hit!

Thanks, Noay, for pointing me to the Gutfield Drive-by, which, I think, is one of the few must-reads on the whole internet. Honestly. I can't believe they allowed him on the "Huff Po" (which I enjoy reading from time to time for curiosity), but you'd never know it because it's very hard to navigate to the Gutfield Drive-by section throught the main Huff Po page. They keep his posts seperated pretty well from the rest of the main Huff Po bitter/verbal stool page written by celebrities. Anyway, his latest post is one his best so far, methinks, especially when considering that last friday's HuffPo was nearly 100% solid Cindy Sheehan day. You know that he's a true voice and that his satire cannot be easily dismissed when he can seriously piss off alot of libs by challenging their high-and-mighty world view, as evidenced by the fact that his comments section is always a massive list of bitter, multi-multi-paragraph denunciations of his words, and of him personally (of course).

17 Brave Men

I recently mocked Spain as a country whose name has become synonymous with cowardice. Today they lost 17 brave men in a helicopter crash in Afghanistan. I’ll eat my words.

Monday, August 15, 2005

Mickey Mouse at Disneyland

Is it just me or is Cindy Sheehan deriving a great deal of unseemly pleasure from being the mother of a dead soldier? She’s always talking about how exciting everything is, and how great it is to be in contact with luminaries like Maxine Waters and Michael Moore. Here she is in today’s Huffington Post:

I had so many amazing things happen today. I couldn't walk through Camp Casey or the Crawford Peace House today without hugging people and getting my picture taken. Now I know how Mickey Mouse feels at Disneyland.

And here she was a few days ago:

Yesterday was kind of a blur to me. From running around from interview to interview, to getting a visit from Viggo Mortensen, it was a whirlwind of activity.

Hooray! My son’s dead but I get to meet Viggo Mortensen! Am I the only person who thinks this is a little bit creepy?

Also, Chrenkoff has a great post today where he points to the parents of dead soldiers who are not dishonoring the fallen by riding their names to D-grade celebrity status. The resolve of these parents is inspiring.

And Mohammed at Iraq the Model has a terrific post answering Sheehan’s question: Why?

Tom addzz: with all of Ms. Sheehan's new "friends" making her feel so happy and important to them, I'm reminded of the Emmanuel Lewis segment on E TV's Where Are They Now that I watched a few months back. Lewis, who was once cute and cuddly as TV's Webster, was real close with Michael Jackson. Of course that friendship ended, as far as Jacko was concerned, when Webster began puberty. But none of this was apparent to Emmanuel, and nor is it apparent to him even today as one can see when watching him at the end of the E TV special making a public shoutout to his old friend The Gloved One, saying "yo Michael, we used to be tight. I'm still waiting for you to call, my man." I imagine that Jackson hasn't called since Webster grew curlies. But just like Emmanuel Lewis, the September 10th movement (thanks, Mr. Hendrie) will find their next victim/martyr to exploit ("befriend") once Ms. Sheehan's limelight has dimmed. What'll she be saying when that inevitable moment comes? "Viggo, what up? No tickets to the premiere of your new fantasy picture? But you told me you cared!"
But with the new society slowly but steadily taking shape in Iraq and beyond, Casey Sheehan will probably come to be known as part of a "greatest few", since this "generation" as a whole isn't due any thanks for it.

Update: Best of the Web has dug up a speech that Sheehan gave at San Francisco State University in February. Read a bit of it and tell me she isn’t an extremist crackpot:

I was raised in a country by a public school system that taught us that America was good, that America was just. America has been killing people . . . since we first stepped on this continent, we have been responsible for death and destruction. I passed on that bullshit to my son and my son enlisted. I'm going all over the country telling moms: "This country is not worth dying for." If we're attacked, we would all go out. We'd all take whatever we had. I'd take my rolling pin and I'd beat the attackers over the head with it. But we were not attacked by Iraq. We might not even have been attacked by Osama bin Laden if 9/11 was their Pearl Harbor to get their neo-con agenda through and, if I would have known that before my son was killed, I would have taken him to Canada. I would never have let him go and try and defend this morally repugnant system we have.

Wow, we might not have been attacked by Osama, 9/11 was all part of the neo-con agenda . . . she’s nuts. Check the whole thing out on Best of the Web.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Cindy Shehulk

The Left has found someone to love, and her name is Cindy Sheehan. She is the bulletproof anti-war activist. Her son, after all, was killed in combat. Who on earth could possibly be so callus that they would attack a person who has suffered such a loss? Other anti-war activists are easy to take down a peg. Take a look at Michael Moore. The man (to paraphrase Napoleon’s criticism of Talleyrand) is clearly nothing but a shit in a pair of tube socks. But who is insensitive enough to take on Cindy Sheehan? Phil Hendrie is. His post today is entitled: “Anti-War Mom: Another Ignorant Cow” and he gives her a thorough skewering:

Casey's mom, Cindy, doesn't quite get it. She is a mother who has lost her son to a war. Convinced she knows more about the costs of war than other parents who've suffered similar loss, she has parked herself outside President Bush's ranch in Crawford, Texas. Full of judgment and hate, calling him "selected," not elected, blaming him personally for the death of her son, this clueless woman is going to sit there until the President comes out. She's going to set him straight.

Cindy Sheehan is another bereaved parent that the anti-Iraq War movement has run its game on. Manipulating her in her sadness and anger, they've created a self-righteous ignoramus. Casey Sheehan was cut down by foreign insurgents, the same Saudi-Iranian-Syrian animals that carved up Nick Berg. But to Cindy, the man who killed her son is George Bush. Cindy believes Bush lied about our reasons for going to war and thus led her son to his death through outright deceit.

The "Bush Lied" theory has been debated and discredited but Anti-War Mom hasn't noticed. Cindy Sheehan isn't outside the Bush ranch as a truth-seeker. She's there for her public-relations potency. "I want people to know the real costs of war," she says. A mother grieving her loss. The inhumanity of war. Oh, the wickedness of it all. It's the anti-Iraq War Propaganda Machine working the sewer again.

She deserves the skewering. She isn’t the only person in America who has lost a child to this war. We’re closing in on 2,000 bereaved mothers out there and they are all suffering just as much as Sheehan. What Sheehan is doing is telling each of them that their child died a pointless death. They might as well have stayed home and shot themselves in the head for all the good that it did for the world. This is an ugly lie and Sheehan shouldn’t be allowed to hide it behind her status as a grieving mother.

The fact is that Casey Sheehan’s death was not pointless. He died in a good cause. Because of his sacrifice the Middle East has a real opportunity to shake off the shackles of tyranny. Iraq has been spared from the rule of a dictator who murdered hundreds of thousands of his own people. A corrupt regime that flouted arms inspectors, attempted to assassinate an American president, repeatedly made war against its neighbors, colluded with terrorists, fired on American pilots in the No Fly Zone on a routine basis, waged a campaign of genocide against its Kurdish population, bled money from the old for food program so Saddam could build himself more palaces and buy more weapons while Iraqi children starved, and engaged in all manner of atrocities (remember the human wood chipper?) on a daily basis has been destroyed. Because of this war the threat from Libya has been reduced and the people of Lebanon were inspired to demand their freedom. All across the Middle East democracy is making inroads into autocratic territory.

How can any sane person deny the virtue of this cause?

Most of the hurting parents out there understand this. The press ignores them. But they simply can’t get enough of Cindy Sheehan.

Update: Sheehan is going off the rails. Her handlers would probably prefer that she not say things like this. She is supposed to be the sad apolitical mother of a dead child, not a leftist crank. The leftist crank in her is taking over, and this is going to destroy her credibility. The more she speaks, the smaller she shrinks.

Holy Frack!

Last night I watched the Si Fi Channel’s Battlestar Galactica mini series with my four year old son. When I was a boy I loved the original show. The Cylons scared the crap out of me and Starbuck was my hero. My boy has seen a few episodes of the original series and he loved them. So, when I saw that the Si Fi Channel had reinvented BSG I logged onto Netflix and ordered it up.

It didn’t take long, however, for it to become apparent that the new BSG was NOT appropriate for four year olds. In the opening half hour an adorable baby gets cold-bloodedly murdered and a hot Cylon chick has sex with Gius Baltar (if you have only seen the original BSG you were probably not aware that hot Cylon chicks even exist). Also, there was a lot of cussing. If you’ll recall, the original BSG only contained made-up swearwords like “frack”; the new one went ahead and cut loose with “asshole” & Co.

Now, I knew I should probably turn it off, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. When the new BSG arrived in the mail yesterday my boy immediately opened the door to our house and shouted “THANK YOU MAILMAN!” He was stoked.

So, on the one hand, BSG was obviously not appropriate for a four year old, and on the other, he really wanted to see it. I decided to do the spineless thing and allow my son to see the mini-series in its entirety.

Still, I adopted a compromise policy of muting and fast forwarding. This policy was a failure. I am not as good a predictor of when a person is about to curse as I had assumed. Also, at one point I returned from the bathroom just in time to hear my son utter the phrase “let’s kick some Cylon ass.” I immediately corrected him “you shouldn’t say that son. You should say ‘let’s kick some Cylon butt.’”

Now, “butt” is not exactly on the list of words my wife has approved for my son’s use, but I had to fight fire with fire here! I just know at some point today he’s going to bring up the question of Cylon asses in my wife’s presence and I’m going to be in big trouble.

On the bright side, there weren’t as many baby murders and hot Cylon sex scenes in the last three quarters of the show as there were in the first. That was a relief!

And the new BSG? It was really good. The old BSG has aged poorly. In fact, it is impossible to watch. The acting is bad, the writing is bad and the special effects are bad. The basic premise, however, is still a good one. The ancient cousins of us earthlings are living in a distant solar system when their entire civilization destroyed by a pitiless race of robots called the Cylons. A small number survive and flee the Cylon terror. These survivors form a rag-tag fugitive fleet headed by the Galactica and they go in search of the planet Earth where they hope to find refuge.

The new BSG keeps the cool premise and improves the acting, writing and special effects. Edward James Olmos plays Adama, the captain of the Galactica, and he imbues the character with a terrific sense of gritty dignity. It was weird to have a strange sexual tension between Starbuck and Apollo, but Starbuck is a woman in this one so I don’t have to be confronted with my homophobia. The battle scenes are cool and the simple soundtrack of deep drums that accompanies them does a good job of ratcheting up the tension. If you liked the original Battle Star Galactica, you love the new one. But don’t let your four year old watch it!

9/11 Commission enAbles Danger

Whenever a government committee is as pompously high on its own virtue as the 9/11 Commission was, you should immediately smell a rat (and not a tasty fried rat purchased in a Bolivian marketplace, but a stinky sewer rat that is suffering from leprosy and just crawled out of a storm drain and died). Apparently, the 9/11 Commission closed their minds early in the investigation and ignored important evidence that didn’t jibe with their preconceived notions. Specifically, they ignored important information collected by a military intelligence project called Able Danger, which used data mining to discover the terrorist (er, Insurgent-American) tendencies of one Mohommed Atta.

Michelle Malkin has a roundup. Thanks for nuthin’ 9/11 Commission!

Update: John Podhoretz (writing in the corner) has more on the importance of this outrage:

In a story filed at 7:10 PM, the Associated Press is now confirming all the particulars of what will now forever be called the Able Danger disaster. The 9/11 Commission staff did hear about intelligence-gathering efforts that hit pay dirt on the whereabouts of Mohammed Atta -- in 1999 -- and deliberately chose to omit word of those efforts.

And why? Because to do so might upset the timeline the Commission had established on Atta.

And why is that significant? Because the Mohammed Atta timeline established by the Commission pointedly insisted Atta did not meet with an Iraqi intelligence agent in Prague.

And why is that significant? Because debunking the Atta-Iraq connection was of vital importance to Democrats, who had become focused almost obsessively on the preposterous notion that there was no relation whatever between Al Qaeda and Iraq -- that Al Qaeda and Iraq might even have been enemies.